A RITUAL FOR ENDING THE ELEVEN MONTHS OF THE MOURNING PERIOD
Rickie Gordon
In honor of the ending of the eleven months mourning period for our mother, my sister Leslie and I decided to commemorate this event with a new ritual. Even though we could not be physically together, we decided to study a portion of the Torah together so we could develop a connection and then share the fruits of our labor with the supportive loved ones in our individual communities.
After several weeks of deliberation, Leslie suggested we study Deuteronomy 22:1-3. Even though she is my younger sister and I am not typically shy to assert my opinions to her, she is a rabbi, and so, I deferred to her suggestion without hesitation. Now, I must admit I was a bit intimidated to embark on an official study session. I had never really engaged in this form of study and, when I was ready to begin, she was not available by phone so I figured I would just take the plunge.
It seemed to make sense to start at the beginning by simply reading the selected verses. Of course, my disadvantage is I had to only rely on the English. But, it was a beginning.The verses are included in the parashah Ki Tetzi. It seemed to make sense to check out the beginning and take advantage of the commentary in a volume of Etz Hayim that began, “The final laws in Deuteronomy deal with matters regarding individuals, their families, and their neighbors in contrast to the preceding laws, which concern public officials and the nation as a whole.” [Etz Hayim, p. 1112]
So, I assumed that the final laws regarding individuals and their families would include a connection to our intended purpose of this study.
The English translation of the verses is as follows:
(1) If you see your fellow’s ox or sheep gone astray, do not ignore it; you must take it back to your fellow. (2) If your fellow does not live near you or you do not know who he is, you shall bring it home and it shall remain with you until your fellow claims it; then you shall give it back to him. (3) You shall do the same with his ass; you shall do the same with his garment; and so too shall you do with anything that your fellow loses and you find: you must not remain indifferent.
Imagine my dismay and confusion when I read the three short verses pertaining to ox and sheep going astray and an individual’s responsibility to care for and return the animals, garments and anything else a brother loses.
Frankly, the most compelling message to me were the last few words, “you must not remain indifferent”. Well, that is a profound message that got me thinking this is a demand that surely pertains to other portions of our law. I considered briefly other circumstances to which we should be instructed to not remain indifferent. I understand that every word in the Torah is there for a reason. But, what was the reason that this imperative statement is the end of these verses?
The commentary states that the law requiring assisting one’s brother who faces difficulty or possible economic loss in certain situations. In terms of responsibility for another person’s loses, I thought the indifference message was one of community. Is it that we must be mindful of each other’s possessions, especially the ones that impact an individual’s economic security? In later Jewish law, the finder must publicize what was found and the claimant must prove ownership by describing identifying marks.
The commentary explains that the law addresses the need to anticipate attempts by people to keep what they found and mentioned circumstances in which finders refuse to return the property.
It felt like I was not making much progress so I tried to make sense of some of the excerpts from the Mishnah that Les sent me.
Wow, so many rules about determining what has been found, announcing the find, allowing sufficient time for the owner to claim the possession, the manner in which items need to be identified. For example, a baker’s loaf or scattered money need not be announced. However, a loaf containing money does need to be announced. Hmm, my head started to spin and suddenly, as my mind started to wander off topic, I heard the childhood jingle, “Finders Keepers; Losers Weepers”.
As I
read on, I learned that items that need to be announced and effort made to return them to the owner are those that are unusual and identifiable. I also wondered about the value of the garments. Is a single stray glove worth as much as a full warm coat? Should a finder have to go to the same lengths to return both? In an effort to simplify all of this material it occurred to me that the childhood jingle should be revised to say, “Finders Keepers as long as there are no Losers that are Weepers”.
Oxen, sheep, asses and garments. What could my sister have possibly been thinking about when she suggested these verses? I tried to think outside of the box. Think of finding things. I remembered she said that going through the eleven months of saying Kaddish she felt like she found things.
Okay, this could work. As Mom was battling her disease, I said to some of you in this room, she had found kindness. Now don’t get me wrong, for those of you who didn’t know my mother, I don’t want you to think she was evil or cruel because that’s not true. However, as she neared the end of her life she more freely demonstrated and expressed kindness to the people who cared for her, her friends and her family.
But is there something I found throughout this journey? Through her illness I found respect and admiration for her that I really hadn’t acknowledged in the past. I found her friends that loved her and supported her. I found the teachers who worked in the school where she volunteered who arranged for substitute teachers so they could attend my mother’s funeral. I found the health aides who wept when she died and explained they would each try to get a shift taking care of her. So I am using this time to announce these finds but I am relieved to say I do not have to return them to anyone who lost them.
It has been eleven months for me to grow and reflect as an individual. A big surprise I found was that I love starting my day by attending minyan. As part of that, I found a new community of caring people. I found a peaceful and serene way to begin my day. Again, I am happy to announce that and I have learned that by continuing to attend minyan, I will have the opportunity to support others who are in mourning and are obligated to say Kaddish.
It was time for Leslie and me to get together on the phone and talk through the texts and our thoughts. So I asked her, what is the reason you wanted to focus on this particular text? Of course, like any good rabbi or teacher, she turned my question around and asked what I got from the text. We were able to share stories about the things we have found through our eleven months.
Finally Les shared some of her feelings of loss. Not that Mom had passed away. But, before that. For many years we said that mothers and daughters have the most challenging of relationships. For reasons too numerous to explore now, our mom could not be the storybook mom my sisters and I dreamt of. In studying these verses Leslie found a midrash that says, “Even when we can clearly identify who lost an object, the finder doesn’t have to return it if he is sure the owner has despaired of finding it”.
A wise friend who was widowed at a young age like Mom took exception to being referred to as a “single parent”. Rather, she insisted she was a “double” parent. When Aunt Millie, of blessed memory, first came to live in Tucson, she remarked that we were a family, it just so happened the Dad was not there. So Natalie Gordon was not Harriet Nelson. But, she was the best mom she knew how to be. She put her three daughters in front of everything else. And, I can modestly say, we turned out okay and she was proud of us.
We learned to not despair about connecting with Mom. And, in turn, Mom did not despair about connecting with her now adult daughters. The lack of despair and commitment to continue our attempts to be the best mother and daughters we could be led us to find lost connections. She became a role model for us to display grace in the face of pain and uncertainty; we found ways to care for her that we never thought possible. We all looked forward to our daily conversations with her (by phone or in person). And, when she died, the four of us as a family were together.
Just like she found kindness, we found her. We found a deeper love and caring for her. Had we despaired, given up on making greater connections, we would not have been able to find them.
Finders Keepers without losers that are weepers.
To conclude, I would like to return to the text. According to Rav Asher Meir, in Hebrew we refer to repentance as “teshuva” — return. Sometimes a person’s behavior gets “lost” straying far from the Divine soul to which it properly belongs. Rav Nachman of Breslav teaches that just as a person retains his connection to a lost object and the right to have it restored as long as he doesn’t despair of it, so a sinner should steadfastly trust that he will find the strength to repent. No matter how deeply we are lost in sin, we should never despair of the possibility of return.
Of all of the gifts Mom gave us, the most significant was each other. The ability to love each other and bring husbands, children and friends into our intersecting circles of love. Thank each one of you for your support through these last few years and for sharing in this special transition with us.